So the sequel to probably the best film of all time, Magic Mike, will be out in the US on July 1 and in the UK on July 31.
It is called Magic Mike XXL.
If you missed the first film because you don’t fancy The Chan or you have some kind of objection to the objectification of men I’ll summarise the plot.
Basically it’s about a really hot stripper (Channing Tatum) who trains up an almost as hot younger stripper (Alex Pettyfer), they strip, then the older one decides to stop so he can go build custom furniture made from junk he’s found on the beach.
Matthew McConaughey also strips, which you will either find creepy or disgustingly hot.
You don’t watch it for the plot. Mostly you watch it for the really hot stripper (Chan) and The Pony Dance.
This needs capping up because it is legend. Here it is.
I realise that an unnaturally even-tanned man without an inch of body hair or fat in knee pads and a red thong thrusting away to a mid-90s R&B grinder won’t Channing everyone’s Tatum but there you are.
So, yeah, a sequel, and only five months away. Here’s the poster, which I think we can all agree suggests another Oscar-worthy plot, if there was an oscar for ‘guns, not too much guns, basically just the right amount of guns’ –
If ever a poster said ‘this film is a load of cock’ this is it.
And, because I want to
look at lots of pictures of Channing Tatum shirtless seriously evaluate the plot of Magic Mike XXL, I thought I’d write us all a point by point analysis.
From the trailer, here’s what it looks like is on the cards during the second Magic Mike film.
1. Mike is living somewhere in America
Very selfishly, Magic Mike hasn’t decided to move to Southend On Sea and has, instead, presumably moved in with that chic who never smiled even though she ended up with Channing Tatum.
He’s living in a big house but then anyone who watches American films knows that all Americans live in big houses, regardless of their earnings.
Look at that big house in Roseanne. She had a palace and I’m pretty sure she swept up hair in a beauty parlour for a living. Anyway, I digress.
2. Mike is a keen welder
Aka someone saw Flashdance on Netflix one evening and decided it was high time there was a male equivalent of Alex Owens, but without the perm.
3. The Pony music starts up
And at first he’s all ‘no way’, shaking his head.
4. But soon he’s all…
How can you NOT dance to the only Ginuwine song anyone can remember?
5. At first it looks like he’s just having a bit of a sit down
I mean it’s probably very tiring making furniture from junk that’s washed up on the beach all day.
6. Then the ole Pony moves start up
Only this time he’s a bit sweaty/oily. Give that director an oscar.
7. Before you know it he’s swinging himself round the room
Like a sexually-charged orangutan.
8. He’s so wild
Look, he doesn’t even care that he’s pushing all those plans for furniture made from junk he’s found washed up on the beach on the floor.
9. Then we get the 411
‘Get the 411’ is what people used to say back in the 90s when Ginuwine was popular.
‘This summer get back to the grind’.
10. Looks like they went to Miami then
Well it isn’t Southend.
11. And the old posse are back together
Except for creepy McCon which is good because I don’t think any of us want to see that yellow lycra crop top again.
12. There’s going to be parties
Which look suspiciously reminiscent of those dance offs in Step Up.
Could the guy in the middle be the new wild card stripper to join the gang?
13. There’s going to be upside down ladies on chairs getting stripped at
14. There’s going to be this
Which they did in Magic Mike 1 and I’m still not convinced would be 100 per cent sexy IRL.
15. There’s going to be a woman in a bikini and crash helmet running into a man’s stomach
We’ve all been there.
Possibly it’s Mike’s moody girlfriend (her name’s Brooke), running into him to see if his abs really are as hard as the chiselled marble they appear to be.
16. There’s going to be Big Dick Richie
Squirting water about which, no matter how suggestive, just wouldn’t wash in Budgens.
17. Then this
The least comfortable-looking high five ever.
18. Then a woman of average size actually being shown in a Hollywood film
*faints from shock*
19. Then, er
I’m sorry, what was I saying?
20. Then a close up
What’s not to smile about when you do films like this AND Foxcatcher?
22. This actually made me laugh out loud
On the train.
23. Funny ending too
Is that that the moody girlfriend?
It doesn’t look like the moody girlfriend but it sounds a bit like her.
24. And a twirl
Bit like that God awful scene where he dressed up as Marilyn Monroe, but at least this hints at the same ‘not taking this whole thing seriously at all’ aspect of the first film.
25. Then this girl
Who seems both surprised and thrilled at having her head yanked back by the hair by Channing Tatum. No comment.
So, from that, I’m guessing the plot is essentially about a really hot stripper (Channing Tatum) who trains up an almost as hot younger, black stripper in Miami (Stephen Boss? Donald Glover?), they strip, then the older one decides to stop so he can go build custom furniture made from junk he’s found on the beach.
According to IMDB the film stars Jada Pinkett Smith and Andie MacDowell too.
Fun fact – did you know that the films are loosely based on Channing Tatum’s real life experiences as a stripper?
It is not know whether he left to make custom furniture made from junk he found on the beach.